SHAmeslessly Huáng

I have been waiting patiently for one year to get my visa reimbursed from the Big Office. The time has COME. And Wang Ba actually came through! It was quite easy and painless. So easy, I am so surprised that I came out without any clean flesh wounds. I got Pusher's signature, the stamp of the accountant, Fonzo's signature, Big Boss's signature, Wang Ba's stamp. I went to Finance at 16:00 and received full reimbursement in RMB and USD for the Z-visa application in the States. What a surprise. What luck! How easy. I am shocked. I think everyone is shocked how easy it was. I consider myself lucky.

Now to get the Letter of No Objection from the HR manager. Yeehaw.

Backlash toward the Big Office begins with the freelancers. I suppose the full-time foreign employees are more hesitant to take any significant action that may jeopordize their work permits or cause large factories with government guanxi to tamper with their future. Most action will be initiated by local Chinese hires and freelancers. Debate is taking place whether to report the Big Office regarding the terms of their respective contracts and the fact that salary payment has been delayed a minimum of 2 months for individual freelancers. One freelancer had to return to her hometown because she could no longer afford to stay in Shanghai. The Big Boss has taken this idea that the freelancers will report a labor violation to the local Department of Labor and Social Security as a threat. Obviously, he is not happy. However, his wife, Wang Ba, has a lot to do with this. There is always some excuse not to pay the freelancers such as "waiting until the FINAL packaging sample arrives from the manufacturer." She is the CFO and "abiding by company policy" is not an excuse as she invented the company policy. After 2+ months without pay, the freelancers grow restless and demand retribution. I would be curious to see how things pan out if the Big Office is reported to the Department of Labor and Social Security. Pusher can no longer act as a cool medium between the two parties. In other news, what is left of the SHA-office is preparing for an adult toy expo in Las Vegas some time next week. Viva Las Vegas! Here's to hoping Pusher is not subdued to another week of suffering sub-par Chinese food (come on, if you are already in China, you are getting the best Chinese food and the best you would get in Vegas is high-class fusion). The U.S. market is more strict than the European one so I fear that the big U.S. companies will file an international lawsuit against The Company since several of its products are direct or highly similar copies of successful brands. Or if anyone should notice. The products are very similar, but one should be careful to note that THE PACKAGING IS NOT. At the SHA-Office, we are merely given the models and told to invent packaging and witty copywriting to fit. The closest we get to the products is maybe choosing the colors, finish, and switch. There is no influence over the actual design and function of the product. 4 more days and I am out of here. I am glad to say that I am sitting in the factory one last time. I pray for my reproductive organs that the nuclear power plant next to us has not fried my ability to conceive children.

Pusher takes a large tissue pack and tells Nouvelle it is the size of her placenta and that the placenta is about the size of the baby. I tell Nouvelle she will have two births - one for the child and another for the after-birth. Everyone starts arguing about the placenta.

"You know people eat the placenta raw afterwards. There is a lot of good stuff in it." ~ Pusher
"You can freeze the placenta and save the stem cells for the future child." ~ Me
"What? You put it in the freezer? People eat that!" ~ Pusher
"No, you can put it in a special bank for savings." ~ Me
"Why would you do that? What is the insurance?" ~ Pusher
"Save the life of your child by using the stem cells to grow it a new kidney if it has kidney failure. The technology will be there for the child later (not for us now)." ~ HKG Freelancer
"How do you know the bank won't sell your stem cells?" ~ Pusher
"It is a bank! You make a deposit and withdraw when you need to." ~ HKG Freelancer
"How do you know the stem cells are yours?" ~ Pusher
"Well, a bank makes money by investing what it has..." ~ Me
"How do you check the balance of the cells left in the placenta?" ~ Pusher

Yeah...How do you check the balance of your placenta?

Some guys from R&D just decided that we need to change all the packaging to say the products are "splashproof" instead of "waterproof" now. Ahhh. Just to prove them wrong or spite them, Pusher submerged one of the egg vibrators underwater to see if any air bubbles will come up to show it is not. No bubbles rose to the surface. He took it out and wiped it dry before opening the vibrator to see if any water seeped in. Yep, not waterproof.

"Can you imagine if a woman is on her period? Well...it is a lot thicker."
"But what if it seeps inside?"
"I don't want to think about that."

Ewwwwww. 

I'm trying to figure out a less technical way to give instructions for a cock ring. Nouvelle is focused on keeping up with the appetite that comes with pregnancy. A couple websites have lists of slang for penis and the whole package such as "sausage and meatballs" or "heat-seeking moisture missile." I mention one as "Flying Purple People Eater" and Nouvelle asks, "What kind of meat is that?" Oh dear.

Although the Finance Department knows that I am applying to have my visa reimbursed, Wang Ba decided that there is a "new policy" where my presence would be required. Taken into consideration she is the CFO and the wife of the Big Boss, the "new policy" actually comes from her craziness. So on Monday I get to go to the Big Office to show my face and sign a paper and then sit there and do nothing because the Great Firewall has blocked the online programs I have been using to update and access the copywriting that I am saving (hello Google Docs, how I heart thee). If I do go there, I will be sure to sign that paper first thing in the morning and then walk out to take the first bus back to Shanghai because I will literally be sitting there doing nothing. What a waste.

I just got an email response from Fonzo on my letter of resignation. The response is clearly not written by him. There is a mixture of proper English and what has been neglected of editing. I wonder if that minion wrote it.

"We are very surprised to receive your letter of resignation. We respect your choice, but we still want you to stay. You know, our company has done more than a year of preparation. We have begun operations in Europe and America market. you had  work a year in the company. We hope that each of them who contributions to the company can enjoy the company's results.

"Many problems but these will change...we need our wisdom to face these problems." Yes, other companies may have problems, but the way the other companies address these problems may be a totally different story. The problems are actually addressed and resolved in an efficient manner that best suits the company, not in a way that is convenient for the parties directly involved who slow everyone else down. Take Wang Ba, for example, who uses any excuse to not pay the employees and buys frivolous items that litter her home with unopened shopping bags (fact). Unhappy employees mean low retention rate. less enthusiasm to produce qualitative work, and a bad reputation for said company from word of mouth. Ignorance for change cannot be ignored. I am convinced not every company in China managed by Chinese is like this.

I was checking out this product today with an insertable, long bullet. I pulled the bullet out of the mini-vibe to check out what kind of batteries were used. The bullet was covered in clear lubricant. Ewww. What if the Wang Ba's father stuck it in somewhere and then quickly shoved it back in the vibe? I panicked about having my hand covered with this oily lubricant. No one could say why it was wet.

Yes, I do regret informing you that I will be resigning from my position at The Company. The Big Office management and Wang Ba fail at their jobs and, unfortunately, the Big Boss cannot control his incompetent staff regardless of his words. He even acknowledged that he has tried to fire his wife (but she has not left) and finds new "excuses" of how the HR Manager barely redeemed himself and saved his job right before getting pink slipped. ::le sigh:: The Big Boss is a smart, understanding, good man, but I have no idea what kind of guanxi is going on to keep the other staff employed.

Things are moving along with the social media marketing platforms. I do not know how the online retailer has managed to gain over 600 followers on Facebook, but I swear that the media marketing company that the Big Office hired to manage the social media campaigns have employed people to create fake profiles on Facebook to give the illusion that all of our Facebook fan pages have hundreds of "real" people actually like them. I'm just rolling with it. But how are real people supposed to find out about the online retailer and the brands if company news is only being transmitted between two real people? Oh the mystery of Chinese marketing and giving face to these brands.

Pusher did not believe one of the new cock rings has another ring to fit around the testes. I had to demonstrate the function of the cock ring by using a large dildo, fitting the cock ring at the base of the shaft and putting the second ring around its balls. I suction-cupped it to his desk to ensure he would see it after lunch.

I came across this link on TheDieline.com for packaging to commemorate the 2010 Asia Games in Guangzhou. Absolutely HILARIOUS. Brilliant copywriting. "Go For the Gold" (textured condom) does not really do it for me though. It is more reminiscent of the Olympics. With colored condoms, you can definitely create a picture of the Olympic rings. Speaking of which, I wonder if the Olympic committee gets creative with the condoms they distribute every time a bunch of good looking people get together every 4 years for the summer and winter games...

Anyway, here are the names they used for each type of condom:

• "It's a Team Sport" - It takes two to tango, right?

 

• "Flawless Entry" - More lubricated to slip right in...so flawless you wouldn't even know it's in.

 

• "Enhance Your Performance" - Textured condoms...meh.

 

• "Don't Peak Too Early" - For those who come pre-maturely. It's not good to peak too early in your career.

**All images and information come from TheDieline.com